Benjamin Lay Rises from Grave, Learns About Current Events, Goes Back to Grave

To the great joy of the Egyptian mummy fandom, somebody has come back to life this Wednesday. Historical Quaker activist Benjamin Lay ‘59 (1759, not 1959) suddenly crawled out of his unmarked grave and began stumbling with the rest of the Meeting for Worship crowd back to Abington Friends School. 

Nobody noticed at the time because a shambling four-foot-tall ghoul doesn’t look all that out of place in a large group of high school students, but people began taking notice of the deceased activist when he joined a History class taught by Drew Benfer and began answering questions as though he was recounting historical events from memory.

After that class, word spread around Abington Friends School like wildfire. A group of students had a lengthy conversation with Lay during the next level wherein they tried to catch him up on all that happened in the 267 years for which he was deceased. 

“I am truly glad that these United States gained their independence and have become the most important entity in global politics,” said Lay after being caught up, “but it frankly looks like you, as you all say, ‘lost the plot’ a few years ago. I don’t think Benny Franks [likely meaning Benjamin Franklin] or his buddies would have been fond of some of the things that’ve been going about lately.” 

“Ending slavery and segregation were good moves,” said Lay, “though I’m not so sure about this ‘Fortnight’ or its ‘Hundred-Teared Battled Pass.’ Why cry for two weeks to attain such a trivial ‘pass?’”

Lay continued to critique many aspects of American culture and politics, one of which being “The Trapped Queen from 1738” (likely referring to the song “Trap Queen” by the recently discharged Fetty Wap), which he expressed confusion over due to not having remembered anything of the sort in the year 1738. 

After a few more hours of conversation with students and a brief stint of watching the news, Lay turned around and began walking back to the graveyard.

When asked where he was going, Lay said, “Home.”

Lay refused to answer any further questions and went back into the grave he came out of, scooping up dirt with his hands and throwing it back over his body from inside the pit… somehow.

Now, bets regarding the reanimations of historical figures on Kalshi are skyrocketing. Personally, my money’s on Benny Franks. (Likely meaning Benjamin Franklin.)